Two people–A and B–are talking.

A says something (X) that makes B feel an emotional jangle. The jangle could be slight or it could be strong.

B is mindful of this jangle, aware that it has happened within one second or so.

Before B goes any further and starts to call on her usual interpretations of what her jangle “means”, she stops and asks A: “What was your state of mind when you said X“?

A answers honestly, providing a complete description of his state of mind during the few seconds surrounding his saying X.

B does not hear anything in A‘s description that justifies her emotional jangle. To be certain she might want to ask a follow-up question: “Are you sure you were not implying that you are bored when you said X“?

A answers honestly and says, “Yes, I am sure. I was not and am not bored. When I said X, I just meant that we don’t need to be concerned with that one aspect of the subject. I did not mean that I am bored with the subject, and certainly not with you.”

A trusts B to tell her the truth. Thus, she is forced to realize that her jangle was not justified.

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At this point A might want to describe her new understanding to B and discuss it with him, either briefly or at length. The choice is hers. B may also have something to say about what happened.

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A few things to understand about the model described above:

• A jangle is the first emotional/physical/hormonal response instigated by a neurosis.
• Neurosis in FIML is defined as a “mistaken interpretation”, or an “ongoing mistaken interpretation”.
• A mistaken interpretation can simply arise out of conditions and need not arise out of an ongoing habit. It is still a mistake and it is best to correct this mistake, but on its first few appearances, these sorts of mistakes are at worst proto-neuroses. Only if they continue will they become full blown neuroses, or “ongoing mistaken interpretations”.
• In our example above, person A does have a neurosis, an ongoing mistaken interpretation, concerning the way people speak to her. She tends to mistakenly interpret many tones of voice or other cues as indicating boredom with her.
• (A‘s neurosis is just an example. FIML partners will have other kinds of neuroses–feeling disrespected, unwanted, frightened, etc.)
• Let’s say that the example above is the third time that A has asked B about this neurosis when it first appears as a jangle, and let’s say that each time B has described a state of mind that is not bored. Firstly and most importantly, A believes B because she trusts him. Secondly, A can tell from what B has said–how he described his mind–that he really was not bored. He was thinking something else.
• Now that she has seen that her “boredom” jangle was a mistake three times in a row, A‘s mind will very naturally begin to abandoned that mistaken interpretation.
• She may ask about it a few more times, but when she keeps getting similar answers from B, her mind will come to realize that it is wasting energy creating a painful interpretation that isn’t true.
• In many cases, A‘s mistaken interpretation will simply disappear from her mind with no other work on her part. In a short time, she may hardly be able to even remember what it was.
• Her neurosis will drop away from her almost effortlessly because her mind will be fully convinced that she has been making a costly mistake. Her mind will be convinced of this because she trusts her partner and knows that he is giving her truthful information.
• In the example above, A becomes fully aware of her initial emotional jangle within one second or so. Buddhists who regularly practice mindfulness will find this fairly easy to do in most cases. People who have never been exposed to Buddhist mindfulness training may find this more difficult, depending on their backgrounds.
• Mindfulness means that we are observant, mindful, of how we react to things. With practice, it is possible to be mindful of the very start of even a strong emotional reaction.
• Almost as soon as a FIML partner notices (is mindful of) a jangle arising, they should start a FIML query by asking their partner what was in their mind as in the above example.
• The partner making the query should strive to hold any further emotional reaction (the full-blown neurotic response) in abeyance.
• If their mindfulness is good, they should be able to see that, so far, all that has happened is a word was spoken and a jangle arose.
• The point of the FIML query is to discover if the jangle was justified or mistaken.
• A FIML query should be spoken in as neutral a tone of voice as possible, though partner B should be able to understand if A‘s feelings start to show a bit. B needs to be mindful of what A needs at this point.
• A needs an accurate description from B of his state of mind.

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The key to FIML practice is being mindful of the jangle as soon as it appears, and then making a query in a neutral tone of voice (so your partner will not start reacting to you). FIML is different from an ordinary discussion of “personal issues” in that FIML practice is designed to capture and isolate a real emotional jangle before the mind brings in all the usual baggage that goes with that jangle. Partners may find it interesting or beneficial to discuss childhood experiences or theories about why they feel the ways they do, but these discussions should come after the basic FIML practice of determining whether the initial jangle was justified. I am confident that most jangles, if not all, will not be justified. Please see other posts for more details on FIML practice.

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What follows is another way to look at how to do FIML.

Part 1

Introduction

This post will provide a skeletal outline of how to do FIML (Functional Interpersonal Meta Linguistics) practice. Ideally, FIML practice is done with your primary interlocutor, which is a fancy way of saying your mate or significant other. FIML can also be done with a close friend or in small groups. For this discussion, we will assume that FIML partners are a couple in a committed relationship and living together. If your conditions differ, please make adjustments as needed.

FIML partners should care deeply about each other and desire excellent communication with each other. Ideally, FIML partners will also have the time to engage frequently in FIML queries/discussions as each discussion can last as long as one hour or more. In our experience, many discussions take just a few minutes, but some take much longer, especially in the beginning. They are well-worth the time invested because both partners will gain in understanding while improving their shared subculture.

It’s a good idea to think of the values, ideas, thoughts, feelings, communication style, and so on that you share with your partner as being a subculture that you are creating and adding to every day. With FIML practice you and your partner will be able to co-form your own subculture rather than merely conform to the culture of someone else.

The subculture you create (co-form) with your partner is the foundation of your communication with them. It is the basis of the life you share with them. FIML will help you make your communication clear, rational, compassionate, and understanding. When done properly, FIML will allow you to feel very free and relaxed when you are with your partner. Small misunderstandings will not balloon out of proportion but rather be a means to deeper mutual understanding and appreciation.

How to do FIML

Basic skills

• Honesty. You and your partner must be honest with each other. FIML practice does not require that you tell your partner everything they ask. It does not require that you speak about things you would rather not speak about. Partners must respect the privacy of each other’s inner minds. What FIML does require is that if your partner initiates a FIML query and you do not want to explain yourself, just honestly say that you do not want to explain and then say why that is so. For example, maybe you recalled a trauma from decades ago; something you have never spoken about before and do not want to now. But your partner noticed a look of pain come over you and has asked about it. Don’t deny what they saw. Just say, yes I did look pained for a moment because I remembered something painful from my past. If you don’t mind, I prefer not to talk about it now. Maybe someday I will, maybe I won’t. FIML partners should always respect the need for privacy that all individuals have, even when in intimate relationships with someone they love. In FIML, honesty means being completely honest about your words, expressions, gestures, and emotions as they occur in an act of communication. What lies behind those words and emotions need not always be discussed. In our experience, it is unusual for an event from the past to affect communication enough to generate a FIML query, but it happens.
• Being non-judgmental. The purpose of a FIML inquiry is to achieve greater understanding of each other, not to exercise our biases. Please listen carefully to what your partner is saying and believe them, trust them. Tell each other the truth. Before long, you will both realize through experience that to lie during a FIML exercise is to waste time and harm your relationship. If this seems difficult, please reread the paragraph on honesty above. It’s not hard to do and the payoff is tremendous. You will make massive gains if you follow these simple guidelines.
• The ability to recognize small emotional reactions or interpretations as they first arise.
• The ability to hold those reactions in abeyance while…
• You inquire of your partner what they meant by a word, expression, gesture, or tone of voice.
• The ability to be questioned in this manner by your partner.
• The ability to answer with perfect honesty and as clearly as possible.
• The ability to believe your partner and be believed by your partner.
• The ability to keep in your mind the memory of the fullness of your mental state for 3-15 seconds.
• The ability to describe that state accurately and honestly.
• The ability to listen carefully to your partner’s description of his or her state of mind and to comprehend it.
• The ability to remember many of the FIML exercises you have done with your partner so that over time the two of you can build a communication system unique to yourselves based on your shared understanding of how errors between you can be generated and what to do about them.

Part 2

The bullet points above give a rough outline of how to do FIML. In that outline, the practice of FIML is worded in a way that a skill or ability is emphasized.

In this post, we will use that same outline to describe what you actually do when you do FIML.

1) The first thing you do is recognize a small emotional reaction or interpretation as soon as it arises. We want to recognize this reaction as soon as we can, before it grows into a big story drawing on neurotic interpretations that may have been running your life for years. The smaller the reaction/emotion you feel and the more trivial the incident, the better. We want these incidents to be all but insignificant, trivial, tiny, very small. This does several things: 1) it makes them much less contentious or prone to argument; 2) it stops a potentially much larger interpretation in its tracks, before it gets going and causes harm; and 3) the incident is much easier to discuss due to its triviality.

There are several problems that may face you when you try to do this. You probably will feel like a jerk for bringing up something so small and unimportant. You may feel like you are nagging, or being overly detailed or creepy. You may feel that your partner will become irritated with you or that you are invading their space or violating their privacy. You might feel that you are being needy or clinging. These feelings are all due to normal cultural conditioning. It hardly matters what culture you were conditioned by because they all have proscriptions against asking questions about small matters, or “questioning” your spouse or friend, etc.

FIML practitioners should understand up front that both of them will have these feelings. It is going to feel a bit weird to do your first few FIML queries. Try to remember this point and help each other. With practice, you will see that FIML takes you beyond a cultural wall that has been preventing you from fully understanding your partner and yourself.

This first step is one of the biggest hurdles to successful FIML practice. Please remember that by overcoming your reluctance to speak about such small matters, you will overcome probably the greatest impediment to clear interpersonal communication there is.

2) After you have identified an emotional reaction as it is arising, hold that reaction in abeyance. This means hold it in your mind without giving in to the deeper emotions it may be starting to generate. Stop it and hold it while it is very small. Watch your emotions before they grow. (A previous discussion on the limbic system and the neocortex posted here may provide help with this step.)

3) Then inquire of your partner what they meant by the word, expression, gesture, or tone of voice that gave rise to your reaction. Remember what they said and how it is starting to make you feel. Then in a neutral tone ask them why they said or did what they did. The important points here are: 1) stop the conversation quickly while both of you still remember what has been said or done and 2) inquire in a neutral way, without a tone of accusation or complaint.

4) Now it is your partner’s turn to exercise a little self-control because they have to have the ability to be questioned in this manner by you. In step 2 and 3 above you held your feelings in abeyance and inquired calmly of your partner. Now they will have to hold any reactions that might arise in them and…

5) Answer with perfect honesty and as clearly as possible the question you just asked. Of course both FIML partners will play both of these roles–both of them will ask and answer many FIML queries. At this point, the partner being queried should have a good clear memory of what they said or did. If a word-choice caused you to query, they ought to be able to remember the word and why they chose it because, if you queried correctly, the word you are querying was spoken just a few seconds ago. The same is true for an expression, gesture, or tone of voice. If your partner has been mindful he or she will remember their complete state of mind at the moment they spoke that word, gave that expression, or used that tone of voice. All they need to do is describe their state of mind fully. They do not need to react to why they think you are querying or make excuses. They just need to say what was in their mind when that word came out.

What you will find very often is that what was in your partner’s mind bears almost no resemblance to what you felt or how you were beginning to interpret what they said. Please believe me on this one. It sounds wrong because we are so used to reacting back and forth to one another so quickly, we always lose sight of where we began.

FIML is specifically designed to give partners actual data, real data. When you learn to catch these small incidents the moment they happen, you will add real data to your conversations. With this data, you will come to understand each other in ways you may have only dreamed of.

If your partner does not remember what they said or does not remember it in the same way you remember it, the best thing usually is to agree to drop the FIML inquiry and try to do better next time. We want data that is clean, accurate, and readily agreed upon by both partners. Please do not argue about lost data. Just drop the inquiry and chalk it up to experience. Your unsuccessful attempt will help you in the future.

The power of FIML comes from your having real data that both of you agree on. This allows both partners to be objective while they discuss their different states of mind surrounding that data. In this sense, FIML is like a science of partnership.

6) Now the ball is in your court again because you have to believe your partner and your partner must have confidence that they are being believed. This step also goes against the cultural conditioning of almost everyone who has ever lived. We are so deeply stuck in the habit of presenting ourselves in a good light that many people will find it difficult both to answer honestly when queried and to believe the answer their partner gives them after having been queried. All this shows me is that all of us really need FIML practice. I am confident that if you do FIML practice with consistency, it will quickly become obvious to you that lying or putting your best foot forward during FIML is a fool’s game. You will lose and so will your partner and this will become very clear to you after you have done several FIML sessions. Don’t be worried if at first you feel awkward or have a hard time even knowing why you said or did what your partner asked you about. FIML practice will become quite easy and enjoyable once you have some experience with it. (Readers may want to look at this link for more discussion on the importance of honesty in FIML practice.)

Please remember that your FIML partner is someone you care about deeply–they are either your spouse, your SO, or a very good friend. Your mutual desire to optimize communication between you is the reason you are doing FIML at all. You can expect some weird feelings and some minor embarrassments, but those small feelings must not be allowed to prevent you from gaining the prize of exceptionally clear communication through FIML.

Here are a few FAQs that may shed some more light: FIML: A few FAQs.