The most lasting wound left by a narcissistic parent may not be what they said to you growing up, but what you still say to yourself today.

That is the warning from family therapist Jerry Wise, who believes one of the clearest signs of a narcissistic upbringing is not a difficult relationship with a parent, but a person’s relentless inner voice that constantly criticizes, judges and tears them down.

‘Mom and dad, or whoever was narcissistic, were hypercritical and judgmental,’ Wise told Lesi Howes, the host of The School of Greatness podcast.

‘Now I grow up and say, “I’m not going to be like that,” but what am I to myself? Hypercritical and judgmental.’

He added that adults raised in narcissistic families often become their own worst critics, carrying overwhelming guilt, shame and a tendency to judge themselves harshly long into adulthood. 

The therapist believes that in many cases, the voice people hear in their heads is not entirely their own. Instead, it is an internalized version of the criticism they experienced growing up.

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Narcissistic parents can also leave their children with an enormous vacuum, an absence of normal instinctual care. This vacuum can be leveraged in adulthood, or sooner, into a place of great calm and reasonableness. It can be transformed into samadhi states, or provide an experiential introduction to them. The vacuum is also you, deeply you, and should not be ignored or filled with fantasies of what might have been or resentment that what might have been didn’t happen. Those were your parents, that’s what you learned and experienced. It’s not all bad, not at all. ABN