I learned something from the post quoted below: mainly that some/many narcissists take immediate pleasure in signals received, the more intense the better. I had been understanding narcissism, even malignant narcissism, as a deep state with many causes and manifestations. Somehow I had left out the obvious—that narcissists can derive immediate pleasure from observing pain or humiliation in others.
I arrived at my wrong understanding by having been the family scapegoat which caused me to react slowly to everything and think of many reasons for why things were as they were and are as they are. This is not a bad way to think but clearly misses a major aspect of narcissistic behavior: they simply enjoy being mean. Many of them are sadistic narcissists.
The basic point here can be generalized to scales of signal intensity or depth. For example, the signal(s) of a painting can be received as its brushstrokes or as the full image and everything in-between. I had been seeing narcissism as a full image and missed the importance of the individual brushstrokes that make it up. I suspect something like this is why many abused people find it hard to ditch their abusers: it feels mean to them to do that and they do not want to be mean; and because they do not want to be mean they also do not see that trait clearly in others. Hence also why serial abuse happens to so many. Here is the post:
As far back as I can remember .. pretty much my first memory in fact, I’ve been obsessed with themes of pain and vulnerability. Those were and still are the things that make me happiest, particularly if it’s shit like kids being tortured/ill/vomiting/dissected/whatever the fuck else on a daily basis since I was 5/6.
Regarding how I treat people, my sense of humor is mostly the type where I poke fun at others, force people to become uncomfortable or terrified with shock content, or make them outraged by prompting reactions like that on purpose by showing them vicious crimes or similar acts that happen. I’m also obsessed with punishing people who I deem were “out of line” and derive a lot of pleasure from their Pain when I feel justice has been served, to the point where I bit or otherwise abused children (when I was younger) or even enjoyed snuff films in a sexual way because I felt they deserved it. It’s weird. I was like an out of control prison guard.
My happiest fantasies are ones where I use people or hurt or make them uncomfortable, or at the very least, they feel nothing or plain reluctance while I enjoy myself. It’s like something inside my brain refuses to let me reach normal levels of happiness when someone else is happy with me.
I don’t feel bad about it because I don’t feel shame at all ever, but the weird thing is why? Is this a narcissism thing? Why would I be somehow uncomfortable with others being happy? It makes no sense… happiness isn’t a finite thing, so why will my brain refuse to share it? It’s ultimately led to me having a more sadistic type personality.
Thoughts ? Connections to narcissism?Is anyone here also inflicted with a sadistic leaning personality?
I am grateful to the author of this post. I watched my mom gain insight and overcome narcissism so it can be right to believe in people like this on deep levels.