You have fully experienced seeing through the illusion of self. You made that decision at such a young age it can hardly be considered your decision, but that’s what happened and you are the one who has to live with it now. Having myself experienced a different but extremely serious trauma at almost exactly your age (I was 13), I can fully relate to your sadness. The success that can be derived from experiences like these is the success of seeing beyond the worldly ego. You can’t possibly go back, so accept it. From now on always do your best. Use your deepest mind to understand your conditions as deeply as you can, and then do your best based on that understanding.
If the person who wrote the above sees this, I hope she will understand and feel some comfort even if it seems hard to do. Deep trauma and huge mistakes can and do make us stronger and realer. There is no external consolation prize for trauma and no gain to be had by playing the victim, but there is a profound inner payoff. ABN